i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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