WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I have tasted many bathrooms
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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