Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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