he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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