Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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