I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
