as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
