She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
he fucked my hip out of place.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
