so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize