census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
