everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
