she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
