Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
