I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
