Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize