So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
