you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
