That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
