i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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