checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
