I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
