How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
