My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
