First date: that requires underwear, huh?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Two words: blizzard sex
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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