Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
