at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
