Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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