That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
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