you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
