Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
