He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
