And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I have already put on my inside pants.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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