i was born a porn star she said
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
