its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
