I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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