my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
