Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
