just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
