so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
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