i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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