Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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