Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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