She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
