It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I don't deserve a penis
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
