hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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