I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
