a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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