Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
