I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
