I got chris browned last night
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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