Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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