i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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