In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
