If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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