Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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